Be the Gatekeeper of Your Child’s Mind

If you’re like me, you’ve had the unique and daunting responsibility of raising children in a quickly-changing technology age, and you’re constantly assessing the rules in your home. My first child was born in 1996, and my youngest was born in 2010. During those years we went from dial-up internet to owning about a dozen Bluetooth devices. And while my husband and I love the convenience this technology has brought to our daily lives, it also feels like a game of Whac-A-Mole, where the moles are websites that are unsafe (or unsavory) and our hammer is rules and parental controls.

The internet is a blessing and a curse (just consider social media). Online shopping, information at your fingertips, and communicating with people far away are just the short list of amazing things the internet provides. But it has its drawbacks, and they are many. As parents, we must be constantly aware of what this technology is capable of. We must learn self-discipline so that we can model it for our children.

We must be the gatekeepers of the online world. It is up to us to know what’s on the other side of that gate, and to decide when (and how wide) to open that gate.

Timeless Parenting Principles

Though the Bible is an ancient text, the principles in it apply to us today. Yep, even in the 21st century. As parents, we can live by and teach them in our homes. No matter how technology advances, here are some helpful scriptures to guide us, even when it comes to technology.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). Now is the time to train your children in everything related to the internet: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the boundaries. Your children live in an internet-driven world, and they will have access to it sooner or later. Your task, right now, is to teach them wisdom, discernment, and self-control.

I will set no wicked thing before my eyes (Psalm 101:3). This scripture is a great place to start. If we are committed to righteousness, we must commit to it on TV, phones, and video games. You can never un-see something. So let’s help our children to set their standards high.

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control (Proverbs 2:28). Self-control is probably the number one character trait that suffers from internet abuse. It’s easy to lose track of time, spend too much money, or indulge in unrighteous activity with a smart device and a Wi-Fi connection. The world is literally at our fingertips, and it is up to us to set limits. This scripture was almost designed for 21st century internet use: like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control. A lack of self-control on the internet unleashes a world of problems.

You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us (Titus 2:1-8). There’s a lot of self-control in this passage, and for good reason! We are to model and teach self-control in all areas of our lives. Titus 2 continues in verses 11-12: For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Corinthians 6: 18-20). Let’s not pretend that sexual immorality in every form is still hiding in magazines and truck stops. The internet has brought it into every home, if the door is open. Pornography, adultery, grooming, and trafficking have all exploded because of the internet. Parents, we must first be the gatekeepers of our own hearts and minds in this realm, so that we can do the same for our children. Sexual immorality wreaks havoc on the soul, and is difficult to overcome.

This is the number one reason to err on the side of caution.

How Much “Screen Time” Should a Child Have?

This is one of those questions that has no true answer, unless it is zero. I grew up without “screen time.” (My parents actually got rid of our TV for many years.) Many of you grew up without internet, too. So we know for sure that it’s possible, and we know that it’s healthier.

Knowing what we know now about the mental and physical effects that video games and cartoons have, I think it’s safe to say that your children are better off without any of it. The latest developments in internet crazes, such as TikTok videos and other social media reels, has produced audiences that have short attention spans and little depth.

Let me beg you, as a mom who has seen the internet and all of its related technology progress over the years, please delay your child’s relationship with it for as long as possible. Don’t train them to watch videos on your phone in the grocery store. Don’t pretend that educational apps are teaching them to be smarter. Don’t keep them quiet by handing them a device. These things are detrimental to their mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual development.

Children need physical play, human interaction, conversation, songs, storytime, eye contact, rest, and love. There is nothing on the internet that they need. I repeat: there is nothing on the internet that they need.

There is a time and a place for smart devices, but I urge you: delay and limit for as long as possible.

Teens and Screens

As children get older, there comes a need for communication devices for various reasons. Driving, part-time jobs, and being away from parents in an age when home telephones are nearly non-existent have all created a new need: teens and cell phones. Again, there is no magic formula for how to proceed. Each family is different; each teen is different.

This is why it’s important to set internet expectations as young as possible. Teach your children not to need or expect constant use of devices, and the teen years will proceed more smoothly. Start with a simple phone like a flip phone or Gabb phone. Both of these options allow phone calls, text messages, and a camera, but they do not have internet access or smartphone apps.

In addition, take your child’s personality and maturity into consideration. Each of your children will react differently to internet access, rules, and trust. (In our home, the rules have evolved over time, and have often been applied differently to different siblings.) You know your child’s heart, strengths, and weaknesses; consider them strongly.

Many families have guidelines that you may not choose for your family. That’s okay. Your kids may remind you that, “So-and-so’s family does it this way,” or, “All of my friends have such-and-such phone!” How many times have I told my kids, “Every family is different, and every family has their own rules.”

As they grow in maturity and responsibility (and actual need), teach them how to utilize the technology with discernment and self-control. This is the reason that we are not waiting until our kids are adults to allow social media or smartphones. We want to be the ones to teach them when and how to use them wisely, while they live at home under our authority and guidance.

Before and after allowing teens access to the web, be proactive. It’s going to be your new part-time job, and it’s going to be worth it. Discuss things both of you see and read online. Apply your biblical worldview. Illustrate critical thinking by having a conversation about YouTube videos, tweets, and things shared by influencers. (Influencer is a very apt description of internet personalities; keep that in mind at all times.)

We often discuss current issues, events, and statements we’ve seen online at the dinner table and ask the kids what they think, how biblical principles apply, and how they might counter certain statements. This prepares them to address what they see (or will see) online without blindly accepting everything.

What If We’ve Already Allowed Too Much?

There is no time like the present to impose new rules. When your children’s hearts and minds are at stake, you can’t be too careful. If you have been a parent who allowed technology to have free reign at your house, and you’d like to change that, you certainly can!

I highly recommend the book Digital Detox by Molly DeFrank. It’s a helpful parenting book for this digital age, and for parents who want to hit the reset button. The first half of the book gives readers plenty of reasons why, and the second half walks you through a two-week detox from internet devices. Included are suggestions for helping your kids fill up that extra time, how to navigate music, family movie night, online classes, etc.

Two weeks of detox from screens is a great starting point; after that, decide what’s appropriate going forward. Lower screen time limits, no more Minecraft, board games instead of game apps, reading goals to rewire the brain… the options are really endless!

Let me say here that it’s really important to make this about self-control and healthy habits, and not about punishment. Make sure your kids understand the goals. Get them involved in the process, if at all possible. Make it a “challenge.” (Kids love that!)

Which Parental Control App is Best?

Let’s be clear: no parental control app is perfect. While I do recommend applying some form of technical control to block harmful websites or monitor screen time, I want to make sure you understand that none of these will do your job for you. (Our family uses Qustodio. It works pretty well on Apple devices, but it has been less than helpful on the Microsoft laptop or an Android device.) The best parental control is still the parent. Monitor with your eyes, and teach with conversation. Don’t assume all is well because you set up alerts and have received none.

Train Them Up

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). Now is the time to train your children in everything related to the internet: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the boundaries. Your task, right now, is to teach them wisdom, discernment, and self-control.

If you haven’t already, get into the scriptures with your kids. Daily. That’s what Expository Parenting is all about. This is training, step one.

Teach them God’s word.

Apply it.

Demonstrate it.

Repeat.